Best of Blotter 2013 


The Best of the Worst

You've really outdone yourself this year, Charleston. The City Paper's Blotter section was recently expanded in the print edition, but we've had no difficulty filling it with all your tales of public urination, bizarre violence, and backwoods paint-huffing. As we approach the festive occasion of the Dec. 18 Best o' the Blotter issue, we're leaving it to you to pick the No. 1 craziest, funniest, and/or lowest moment of the year. Cast your vote below, we'll unveil the winner in our Dec. 25 Year End Double-Issue.—Paul Bowers (Illustrations by Steve Stegelin.)

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    "Around 7:30 p.m. one night, a man walked into a bar covered in blood and started picking fights with customers. After the bar's manager threw the man out and called police, officers caught up with the man in a nearby parking lot and saw that he was bleeding from his nose. When they tried to talk to the man, he started 'flailing his arms wildly around and spitting blood in all directions,' according to an incident report. He was arrested on charges of public disorderly conduct and resisting arrest."

  • "When officers arrived at an apartment to break up a physical dispute and told a man to turn around so they could search him, the man put his hands on the wall, shook his butt, and said, 'Wait, let me start twerking for you ... Uhn, I'm twerking it ... Twerking.' Later, after being arrested and asked what kind of drugs he was on, the man said, 'You all don't understand, I am an intellectual. You can understand an intellectual.'"

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    "Police found a man spinning around in circles in the woods while holding a four-inch knife and talking to himself. He had gold spray-paint all over his mouth, face, hands, clothes, arms, and feet. As the officers escorted the man out of the woods, he explained that he hadn't been huffing paint, but that he sprays the paint on a rag and puts it on his mouth. According to the incident report, he went on to say that 'When the devil worshipers come after him and try to orally sexually assault him, the paint gets on their genitals, and he can use that information to prosecute them.'"

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    "After dancing naked against a wall in a fast food restaurant, a woman pulled her clothes back on, slipped away as a police officer was handcuffing her, and then led the officer on a chase through the parking lot. The cop noted in the incident report, 'These actions of the offender caused McDonald's customers to pause and look upon us.'"

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    "An ice cream truck driver was selling ice cream to some neighborhood kids when a man stormed out of his house, pointed a 9mm pistol at her, and shouted, 'There is no fucking soliciting in this neighborhood.' The driver and the kids fled around the corner, and the man with the gun later surrendered to police and said he had made a dumb mistake."